Samsquatch Stitches

Mother.

On March 22, 2021, at 2:04 p.m., my world came crashing down. My youngest son, my baby, my gentle giant, took his own life.

Unbeknownst to any of his family or friends, he had been struggling for years and, as he said in his final letter to me, he just couldn’t take it anymore. A life with so much potential, a soul loved by so many, gone in a split second. All that was left behind was a family shattered, shocked and mourning friends, and an utterly devastated mother.

We couldn’t believe it. He had lots of friends and family who would have been there for him in a heartbeat, just as he had always been for all of us. He had a great job that he absolutely loved in his chosen field of automotive and had not only stayed working during Covid, he had advanced. He possessed a wicked sense of humor and the jokes to go with it.

Creator.

I had begun to crochet a blanket for him for Christmas in his favorite pattern. I had to start early to get it done in time. My boy stood 6′ 4″ and he wanted one that would be long enough so he could tuck it around his shoulders and all the way down underneath his feet.

But with his death everything in our lives came to a screeching halt. Our hobbies. Our business. Everything.

The loss of my boy was, and will always be, my biggest failure as a mother. A tragedy like no other I could ever imagine.

I remember back to that day in the field, as I held my son while he took his final breaths, First Responders assured me that I would get through this and find the good in life again. Frankly I thought they were full of it. A part of me definitely died that day with him and I know I will never be whole again.

Survivor.

Though not whole and still in the clutches of immense grief, I am crocheting again. I’ve started with blankets, hats and scarves in Sam’s favorite pattern. It has become a route to not only raise money for the scholarship that we started in his name, but also to inspire those who may be struggling to continue on.

Each of the items that I create in the pattern that I now call the “Sam” comes with a positive affirmation tag to help remind the owner that they can do it, they are worth it, that they matter, and that they need to stay.

The only thing permanent in life is death and choosing to take your life is something you can’t ever take back. Please, please don’t choose a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem.

Whether you are a teen being bullied in school, a young adult whose “love” has just broken up with them, or an adult who has just had enough of life…reach out.

You matter.

You are loved.

Stay.

Always stay.

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